


Loving You is Suicide

by MissCookie



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Angst, Cutting, Depression, First Kiss, Kissing, M/M, Near Death Experience, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-21
Updated: 2012-12-21
Packaged: 2017-11-21 22:27:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/602759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissCookie/pseuds/MissCookie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Izaya, unable to handle his long-time depression, suddenly disappears without a trace. Shizuo goes out in search of him. But is he truly prepared for what he's going to find?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Loving You is Suicide

**Author's Note:**

> This is a repost from my account on Fanfiction net
> 
> Written and posted in January 2011

_"I refuse to believe this." A man with square-framed glasses spoke disapprovingly._

_The brunet sighed, "Well tough, because it's true."_

_"I also refuse to let my only son become a filthy FAGGOT!"_

_"I'm not a faggot, father! I'm bisexual! There is a difference!" the son fought back._

_The frustrated parent threw his hands in the air, "Like hell there is a difference!"_

_The teenager slammed his hands down on the table, "What the fuck is wrong with my sexuality?"_

_"DO NOT USE THAT LANGUAGE IN THIS HOUSEHOLD, ORIHARA IZAYA!" the gray haired man scolded._

_"ANSWER ME!" said person screamed._

_"I do not want my son going off with another man!"_

_Izaya rolled his eyes, "Being bisexual means that I like men and women! The person I fall in love with may be a female, but it may also be a male. Whoever makes me happy is who I'm going to spend the rest of my life with!"_

_"That's enough!" the older man roared, "I want you out of this house! You are not allowed to see your mother, your sisters, and I for as long as you keep up this nonsense!"_

_The raven's burgundy eyes widened, "You're disowning me because of my sexuality? It's the 21st century! Wake up and smell the damn coffee, father, because you know what? There are gay people in the world!"_

_Mr. Orihara gave a firm glare, "My words are final, Izaya! Leave now before I call the police!"_

_Tears welled up in Izaya's eyes as he turned to his unspoken mother, "Are you not going to do anything about this?"_

_Silence was the answer._

_"Spineless bitch." He muttered._

_The fragile woman flinched at his harsh tone but bit her lip, showing she would not say anything._

_"You know what? FINE! Fuck you all! I hope you all burn alive!" the teen cried out in fury._

_The door slammed shut behind the fuming teen as he closed the door on his family and his childhood._

### 7 years later

Izaya sat on the floor with his back up against the wall. He chuckled as he reminisced in the events that took place exactly 7 years ago.

He was disowned by his father because he came out to his family as being bisexual. He finally had worked up the courage to admit it in hopes that they would accept him or at least shrug it off as something that wasn't important.

The whole reason he came to the conclusion about his sexuality was because he had found himself falling for another man.

Who was the man? That's a secret the brunet swore to himself that he wouldn't ever reveal. Not even the actual guy knew.

Izaya honestly thought that perhaps he would get over this little "crush" he had. But the fact that he sees the person every day prevents him from ever forgetting.

He had become fairly successful in life after leaving his family. He continued attending Raijin Academy and acted like nothing ever happened. After he graduated, he pursued the life of an information broker. He was always good with getting people to spill their secrets. It never took much—maybe a little bribing and even some seduction—anything to put food on the table.

But it seemed like he would always see that one person that made him go insane.

It almost made Izaya feel as if he was in 3rd grade again. If you ever had a crush on someone, you were supposed to act like you hated them. And if someone always acted mean to you, it meant that they liked you. How stupid those little rules seemed now, given the scenario he was in.

The brunet stood up and stretched. He had made a decision.

He had to get rid of this petty crush. If he didn't, he would forever be trapped in this dark abyss. It was the front he put up that fooled everyone. He acted as if he was completely carefree and that he loved all of humanity.

It was decided. Orihara Izaya was going to leave town without a trace. No one will know where he went or what happened. He'll just disappear. Where he was going he wasn't sure about. He just knew he couldn't be in Shinjuku or even Ikebukuro any longer.

The informant packed his belongings silently and only said one thing as he was closing the door behind him.

"Goodbye my sweet Shizu-chan. Hopefully my love for you will be nonexistent by the time I return."

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

_Where the hell was he?_

Heiwajima Shizuo was aggravated beyond reproach. It wasn't because the louse that annoyed him to no end was around. It was for the exact opposite reason. The louse was nowhere to be found. Shinra hadn't heard from him in days and Simon never had him stop by for sushi. People were starting to get worried.

That was why Shizuo was on his way over to where the flea's apartment was. Celty had asked him to look and see if the man was alright.

After reaching the door with the name "Orihara" on it, Shizuo jiggled the doorknob to see if it was locked. Much to his surprise, it was not. The door slowly creaked open revealing a pitch black apartment. Taking a few steps inside, the blond flipped a nearby light switch and his jaw nearly dropped at the sight.

"What the fuck?" There was nothing there.

Venturing further inside, Shizuo was stunned. It looked as if someone hadn't lived here in years.

He walked into what he guessed used to be the bedroom and saw an object lying on the floor. He picked it up and saw that it was a picture frame. The picture looked to be of Izaya when he was younger, surrounded by his parents and siblings. The glass on the frame had broken and shards of glass were missing. It was also covered in dust.

Shizuo put the picture frame back where it was and looked around the room. There was a mattress and box springs. He lifted up the mattress and found a piece of paper. The writing on it was so faded and worn that he couldn't decipher it. He pocketed it.

Taking one more look at the barren apartment, Shizuo sighed, "Flea… where are you?"

"There was nothing there?" The scientist named Shinra asked.

Shizuo nodded, "Exactly. It looked like someone hasn't lived there for years. All I found was a broken picture frame and this note." He pulled out the tattered note he had found and handed it to Shinra.

He eyed the note, "I can probably restore this note. It make take a day or two. This might help us though." And put it in his lab coat pocket.

 _[So are you worried about him?]_ Celty typed out and showed the bodyguard.

Shizuo scoffed, "Not really. I just want to know where he is so I can kill him."

_[You know you don't mean that, Shizuo.]_

The blond rolled his eyes and gave no answer to the dullahan. But her words still lingered in his head even as he was walking home.

Was he worried about the flea's sudden disappearance?

Maybe just a little bit. Despite what some people think, he did have emotions. Even though the red eyed man had caused nothing but trouble in Shizuo's life, he couldn't help but have some concern for him.

It was then that his phone vibrated in his pocket. He pulled it out and it blinked '1 new text message'. Flipping it open, the blond read what the contents were.

_[Do you want to know where Orihara Izaya is?]_

Shizuo stared at the text message. Did this person know where the flea was? More importantly, who was this person?

[Who are you?]

There was a message back almost immediately.

_[I am no one of importance nor do you know me, Heiwajima Shizuo. You may address me as Mono. Do you want to know or not?]_

Mono? What the fuck kind of name was that? It didn't matter.

[Okay then. Where is he?]

The person didn't respond back as quickly this time. Shizuo had already made it back to his own apartment and was changing out of his clothes when he heard his phone vibrate. He picked up his phone and looked at the message.

_[He's in Koriyama, a city that's in the Fukushima area. It's roughly 150 miles away. He's staying in a motel. That's all I'm telling you.]_

Shizuo had to think so that he could remember where Koriyama was. He knew it was a rather small city with a population of less than 400 thousand people. He figured it'd be best not to tell Shinra or Celty about it. The blond felt as if he needed to face Izaya by himself. He'll simply tell Tom that he's taking a few days off.

This needed to be settled now.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

"It's not working." Izaya chuckled numbly, sitting in his small motel room in Koriyama, "I don't know why… but I still love you."

The stupid crush wasn't going away. Izaya shut out everyone around him and moved over a hundred miles away, but it wasn't enough.

He was laying on the full size bed and his sleeves were rolled up to his elbows.

"Loving you is suicide." The brunet spoke softly, gazing upon the scars that were scattered among his forearms, "The days are dark when you aren't around. The air becomes hard to breathe."

Tracing over the fresher scars with his index finger, he felt the rough skin texture, "I don't know how… but you got me where it really hurts. It's killing every part of me."

"It's funny really. You are killing me slowly and you aren't even here. You don't even know it." He continued talking as if someone was really there with him, "I should be able to let you go. I hate the way this feels."

It's been almost a week since he had left. The informant wondered if anyone missed him or had even noticed he was gone yet. Probably not.

How'd he let himself get this bad? Where was the turning point where his depression became unmaskable? Even he didn't know. He wondered if he was going to die here.

The brunet decided to get up and take a shower to help make him feel better. He went into the small bathroom and stripped himself of all his clothing. After stepping into the small shower, he turned the knob and immediately felt the rejuvenating water hit his face and body.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Shizuo borrowed one of Tom's cars to make the trip to Koriyama. He had to go through a million toll roads but he finally got to his destination. The person said that the louse was staying in some kind of motel.

After going through about two of the many motels in town, Shizuo made it to the third and prayed this one was it.

"Would you like to check into a room?" The person behind the desk asked, not looking up from their phone.

"No I just want to know if someone under the name 'Orihara Izaya' has checked into a room here."

The man looked at the check-in sheet, "Um, no one under the name 'Orihara Izaya' but there is someone that checked in under the name 'Orihara Kanra'."

Of course that asshole would use an alias. The blond thought as he smoked a cigarette, "What room?"

"Room number 7. Do you need a key, sir?"

The words fell on deaf ears as Shizuo was already half out the door by the time the words were out of the man's mouth.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Stepping out of the shower, Izaya felt a little bit better than before. He slipped his clothes back on and looked at himself in the mirror. It wasn't a very pretty sight. He had lost a lot of color in his face. Grabbing the makeup bag he had stolen from Namie a few weeks ago, he pulled out some bronzer and applied it to his face, giving it its abundant look once again. He almost looked like his normal self again… almost. He then grabbed his fur-lined jacket and put it on over his other clothing.

BANG BANG BANG

As Izaya walked out of the bathroom, a loud knocking came from outside the door. He just stared at the door wondering who would be knocking beside the motel owner.

The door was soon kicked down and there stood the one man Izaya never expected to see ever again.

"Sh… Shizu-chan…" The brunet managed to get out, left absolutely breathless at the mere sight of the man before him.

"Okay louse, why'd you leave?" Shizuo said, stepping into the small room.

Regaining most of his composure, Izaya did his best to act like his usual, cocky self, "Why is it that you would want to know? Perhaps I just wanted some time to myself. Either way it's not like I'd tell you."

Shizuo's patience was wearing thin faster than the informant realized. He balled his hand into a fist and punched Izaya in the gut, who then was sent flying into the wall.

Izaya crumpled over and coughed up a bit of blood. He could also feel warm blood dribbling down the side of his head from the impact. Shizuo then lifted him up and pinned him against the wall. Wrapping one hand around his throat, the blond's other hand went traveling down into the other man's pants pocket and pulled out the switchblade the informant always kept with him.

"We don't need you trying to cut me now do we?" Shizuo said smugly. He flicked the knife open to reveal a blade that was covered in blood. This caught Shizuo's attention immediately, "What the hell? Alright, flea who did you kill with this?"

Izaya's blood ran cold when he saw the bloody blade. He had forgotten to clean it after one of his breakdowns, "I didn't kill anyone, Shizu-chan." He spoke trying to loosen the blond's iron grip on his neck.

"Then why is there so much blood on your knife, huh? Explain, louse."

The brunet's lips curled into a smile, "Why don't you roll up my sleeves and find out?"

Sticking the knife into the wall, Shizuo pushed up the sleeve on Izaya's right arm and the multitude of scars were revealed. Doing the same with the other arm, he found even more.

"What the fuck, flea? You cut yourself?" The bodyguard said in astonishment.

Taking in the harsh words that were so easily spoken, Izaya blinked tears back, "If you want to put it so bluntly, yeah I do."

"Why?"

"Always asking questions aren't you, Shizu-chan?" he replied, not really answering.

Shizuo scoffed, "And you never seem to answer them."

"Because I have to keep my secret."

"Secret?" The blond repeated, backing away and letting Izaya fall to the floor.

Before he could speak again, Izaya clutched his chest as he began coughing harshly. Blood dribbled down his chin and stained his shirt and jacket. When the fit finally ceased, Izaya took in deep breaths. He looked up at Shizuo who had a look of worry etched into his gorgeous features.

"Have I ever told you about my past?"

A slow shake of the head was his response.

Dragging himself over to the bed, Izaya took in a few good breaths before speaking, "When I was 17, I came out to my family as bisexual. My father and I had a brutal fight. He said he refused to believe that his only son was a faggot." The last word made Shizuo flinch as he listened, "My father disowned me and kicked me out of the house. I was not allowed to come back or ever see my family again until I stopped 'all of this nonsense'. That was over 7 years ago and I haven't seen my family since that day." He chuckled numbly, "The only reason I discovered I was bisexual in the first place, was because of a silly little crush I had on a guy that didn't even seem like it was worth it. After working up the courage to come out to my family, only to be abandoned, I couldn't even tell that guy I loved him. It's kind of sad, really. Don't you agree, Shizu-chan?"

For once in the man's life, Shizuo had been at a complete loss for words. All he could get out was, "Why… why are you telling me this?"

"I figured someone should hear my pitiful life story. I can't think of anyone better than you to tell it to."

Taking the knife out of the wall, Shizuo turned and pointed it at the bleeding man, "I want some answers, fl… Izaya. I want to know why you left, I want to know why you cut yourself, and I want to know why you are telling me all of this?"

Grabbing the knife's blade with his left hand, Izaya smiled faintly, "I suppose I should. I can think of no better time than now to tell you." He spoke, removing his hand from the bloodied blade. A fresh cut was inflicted on his palm and blood had already begun to ooze out of it slowly, "You know what? I think I can answer all of those questions with just one answer. Go get a damp towel and then come here and sit on the bed."

Setting the knife down on the bed, Shizuo did as he was told. He was anxious to know what the smaller man had to say. He handed his archrival the towel who then wiped his face with it. When he removed the towel from his face, the blond saw a much paler version of Izaya. Dark circles were surrounding his garnet-colored eyes.

"Izaya…" He said in disbelief.

Said man chuckled, "Oh so you know my name after all."

He sat up and scooted closer to Shizuo, "Okay let's go over the questions you asked: Why did I leave? Why have I been cutting myself? And why did I tell you about my not-so-glorious past? Is that right?"

The bodyguard nodded slowly, taking off his cobalt shades. Izaya smiled at being given the privilege of seeing the other man's eyes.

"I am now going to give you the answer to all of those questions. Once I give you the answer, you are free to do whatever you want. You can get mad at me, hit me, throw me into a wall, stab me, or anything else you can think of." The bleeding man explained.

"Okay. Just tell me."

Izaya took a deep breath as he mentally prepared himself for what he was about to do. He shifted a little bit so that he was facing Shizuo more. As he was inching closer, Shizuo thought Izaya was going to whisper something into his ear. He was nowhere near ready for what he did do.

He kissed him.

Very hesitantly, Izaya had pressed his lips against Shizuo's, closing the distance between them. It lasted but for a moment or two, but for Shizuo it seemed like the whole world had stopped. When Izaya pulled away, the light smack sounded, like when two pairs of lips separate, and it echoed throughout the room.

"W… why?"

Izaya leaned back and smiled a little, "I should have known you are your tiny animalistic brain couldn't figure it out. I left because I felt like I needed to get away from you. I've been cutting myself because I've been in a deep depression I can't get out of because of lost love. I told you about my past because you are the man I fell for. Do you understand now? I left because I was trying to get over you… and it hasn't worked. I still do."

"But we hate each other." The frustrated blond said with a sigh.

"That's what I thought too. I wondered why I always was bugging you. Why was I always chasing you? Why was I so interested in you? And then it hit me."

Izaya soon went into another coughing fit and ended up coughing up more blood. Shizuo's eyes glistened with genuine worry.

"My time is running short, I'm afraid."

Shizuo blinked, "Running short? What do you mean?"

The brunet chuckled, "I'm dying, Shizu-chan. When I was slammed against the wall, it must have cracked some ribs and caused internal bleeding. I'm gradually bleeding to death from the inside out."

A look of realization came upon the other man's face, "You mean… you are dying because of me?"

"Nonsense." Izaya spoke softly, "I did this to myself. Sure you dealt the blow. And I always thought that my loving you was slowly killing me. You aren't the one at fault. Besides, you should be happy. You've done what you've always dreamed of. Congratulations, Shizu-chan, you've defeated me."

"But I won't be able to live with myself knowing that I've killed someone! The guilt will be too much!" He grabbed his cell from his pocket, "I can call Shinra. He can help you!"

Tears formed in the smaller man's eyes, "Why? What reason would I even have to continue with life? My family shut me out of their lives, the man I love doesn't love me back, and plenty of people are out to get me… I'm just better off dead."

Two hands grabbed hold of Izaya's shoulders and held them tightly, "You think you've had a pathetic life? I've been known as a monster and a freak by my peers. The one woman I ever truly loved… I ended up seriously injuring her while trying to save her. Scientists all around the world are probably dying to study me and make me their test subject because of my inhuman strength that I can't keep under control. I'll also probably be put in a mental institute within the next 15 years of my life." His grip tightened as tears began to fall from his eyes as well, "So don't you ever look me in the eyes and say that you are better off dead when I am worse off than you will ever be. I can list plenty of reasons why you're life is fucking CANDYLAND compared to mine."

"Even so, I'm still dying." Izaya admitted, "It's a 3 hour drive back to Ikebukuro. No matter what, I can't be saved." He took Shizuo's hand in his bloodied ones and pressed it to his heart, "Listen Shizu-chan, you said you failed in protecting the only woman you ever loved. You are the only man I've ever loved. My heart has been beating because of you and always will, even when it stops. When you are angry and alone, feeling unloved, remember that I loved you even though you never loved me back."

"Tell me, Izaya, did you ever look into the mirror and hate the person you saw staring back at you? Because that happens to me everytime I get up in the morning." He stood and picked the brunet up bridal style, "I will take you to Shinra and you will live. Whether you want to or not."

Running out to the car, Shizuo gently laid Izaya in the passenger seat and jumped in the driver's seat. Within seconds they were speeding down the road passing any car that got in their way.

"Shizu-chan…" Izaya murmured, "you said you could list reasons why your life is worse than mine. Could you give me a reason why I should live?"

Looking away from the road for a brief moment, Shizuo placed a brief kiss on the brunet's pale cheek, "That's why. Care for any more?" he said hiding the blush that crept upon his face.

"You shouldn't tease a dying man like that." Izaya said with more tears flowing, mixing with the blood that was becoming caked on his skin.

"Who said I was teasing?"

They sped by every toll booth and Shizuo out drove every police car that followed them. By the time they were in Ikebukuro, Izaya's breathing had become shallow and he said he was getting lightheaded. There was a point where Shizuo thought that they really wouldn't make it. But as if by magic, they got to Shinra's place with Izaya still breathing. He was unconscious, but he was breathing.

Taking the frail man in his arms, Shizuo ran up the several flights of stairs and kicked down the door to the apartment.

"Shinra!" The bodyguard yelled out. "SHINRA!"

There was no response.

He took a few steps into the room and fell to his knees in sheer exhaustion. Unable to fight the darkness that was overwhelming him, the last thing he saw before blacking out was Izaya's barely alive body.

"I think I might just love you too…" was the last thing he thought before falling unconscious.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Opening his eyes a little, the first thing he saw was the fluorescent light making him shut his eyes tightly again.

He groaned as he sat up in the hospital bed, "Shinra?"

The bespectacled man came in the room and smiled, "Ah, Shizuo. I'm glad to see that you are up."

"Where's Izaya? Is he alright?" he demanded.

Shinra scratched the back of his neck, "Oh yeah, he's alive. That's all I can really say at this point. It was definitely something to come back from the store and see my two childhood friends lying on the floor unconscious. Did you two get in a fight or something?"

Shizuo looked at the floor guiltily, "Well… kind of."

"I see. Well I was able to restore that note you gave me. It's actually a poem. I was able to conclude that it was Izaya's handwriting. It seems to have been written a long time ago." He handed the newly restored note to the blond.

Shizuo took the note and began to read what it contained.

**The side effects to suicide**

**I stand here in sorrow**  
The tears stream down my face.  
I don't know what happened to you  
But something went wrong.  
Your pain overwhelmed you  
And you just couldn't take it.  
But as I look down at your grave  
I remember the last thing you said.  
"Fuck you." still runs through my head.  
As much as you hurt, you didn't understand  
That this hurts me too and now it's too late.  
I'm crying for you and you'll never know  
That your final "fuck you" will soon be my own.  
Fuck you for leaving me  
Fuck you for this pain  
You'll never understand, so fuck you again.  
No amount of saying it will ever express  
The pain that I've felt since you left me like this.  
You'll never understand the pain I now feel  
You'll never understand what your death did to me.  
You'll never know  
That your pain is now mine  
But we keep moving on despite all the hurt.  
I keep moving on even though you're long gone.  
So I guess this is it, my final "fuck you".  
Fuck you for this pain  
Fuck you for your death  
Fuck all these emotions  
Fuck you for making me miss you like this. 

"Did Izaya write this?" Shizuo asked amazed at what he just read.

The scientist shrugged, "I don't know. He's just woken up if you would like to ask him."

Without thinking, Shizuo stood up and fast-walked to where Izaya was.

Izaya laid there in the hospital bed, with a machine to help him breathe and an IV drip. The blood had been cleaned off of him for the most part.

"Izaya… are you okay?"

"I'm… okay." He said, pausing to take a breath.

Red eyes darted to the note, "What is that?"

"This is something I found under your mattress when I went to your apartment looking for you." He handed it to the informant, "Did you write it?"

Reading the poem over, Izaya shook his head, "No, a friend of mine did back in Raijin. I copied it down on a slip of paper in case I ever needed it." he chuckled lightly, "I guess I did."

"Oh, I see." Shizuo muttered, looking at the floor.

There was a silence between the two for a few minutes.

"So uh… did you mean it?" Izaya broke the stillness first.

The blond looked up, "Mean what?"

"When you kissed me while we were in the car. Were you serious about it?"

That made Shizuo have to think. Did he really mean it? He wasn't really sure himself, "I'm not quite sure. I think I was."

The pair sat in another silence that seemed to last much longer than the first one.

"Izaya."

"Hm?"

The bodyguard leaned down and planted a light kiss on the other man's cheek, "I'm willing to at least give it a try if you are."

A genuine smile spread across Izaya's face, "I promise we'll still have our daily chases like normal."

Shizuo turned to leave but stopped for a second, "And don't think this means I'll be nicer when it comes to kicking your ass either."

After the door shut behind the blond, Izaya leaned back and smiled.

"Let the love/hate relationship begin."


End file.
